For some people, the minutes and hours version of time is so difficult to comprehend that it can create huge problems.  In our field these difficulties are sometimes tied to diagnoses like ADHD and Explosive Disorders, but to me, they can indicate a difference in experience that can be helped with some tools and understanding.

A few basics:

Don’t assume just because a person can TELL time means that they can MANAGE it.  If you find yourself thinking “They have no idea what 5 minutes means!” They probably don’t.  

Don’s assume just because a person has a watch it means that they “know” what time it is or what is expected of them at that point in time.

Don’t assume that this problem can’t be solved!

For those of us who have not internalized minutes, seconds and schedules, time and the concept of time are different and often difficult.  Time becomes yet another thing some outside authority has imposed.  It is not an organic and internalized function.  This is wonderful if you are an artist or athlete who can disappear into your work but quite challenging for those of us that have to work or transition in school “by the clock”. 

For those that struggle I propose the following solutions!

Make time visual!  Not the telling of time; the passing of time.  A wonderful tool for adults and kids is a visual clock.  You can a collection of products at TimeTimer (http://www.timetimer.com/) This website offers tools, clocks, watches and applications for the computer that count down time in a visual format. Using pre-determined negotiated time (”We have to be out of the house in 15 minutes”  or “You have a half hour left of computer time” or “This is a five minute time out”) management of that time is can be visual, and internally managed!  

No more mommy count downs.  It works!!!

Change is difficult. People resist it.  They would prefer everyone else to change but they want to continue to be themselves.  This doesn’t usually work.  Gandhi teaches “Be the change you want to see in the world.”  I take that to mean, be the first to blink, the first to adjust, the first to try something new.  If you’re reading this, you already know something isn’t working, why not try something else?

Starting something new requires a plan.  Were you to go into a change mode without a master plan you may change lots of things, and maybe even for the better, but you may not change the one thing that got you into trouble to begin with and before you know it you are back where you started.  My early stage change philosophy includes two major themes; Setting Aside and Setting Intention.

Setting Aside

If things were going well, you would not need to change anything.  If things are not going well there is a domino effect that emerges.  First there is the initial issue, then resentment around how it has gone wrong, embarrassment, shame, personal history the list keeps growing.  Sometimes we can get so caught up with the list we forget about the issue.  Here’s one thing I have learned.  Not only can you not fix everything at once, and despite months and weeks of inventory, you may never know everything that is broken.  So the process of thinking about all the issues surrounding your issue can become a full time job.  I had a client once who called this process falling into the “dark vortex”. 

In readying yourself for change I have found that the best thing you can do is set aside… 

Try this: 

Close your eyes and imagine a road and you are walking on that road, but ahead of you on the road is all of your issues.  Tell yourself the following; all my resentments are very real.  All my anger and hurt are real.  My personal history is real.  All of it.  I see it.  I feel it.  But on this journey of change, these very real things are like a boulder that has fallen and is blocking my path.  I am stuck.  I am stuck behind all these very real things.  And since I am stuck, I cannot move forward.  And the thing I want to do most is to move forward.  So today, I am going to do something different.  I am going to set these things, these very real things aside.  I am going to set them aside so I can move forward.  They may not go away, instead I am going to move past them. Just for now so I can get started on my plan.

The idea is not to disqualify or resolve your past feelings, simply to acknowledge them.  And then, to set them aside for this moment so that you can begin to move forward.  If they come back, think again about your need to move forward and say to yourself “I know these things are important to me, but for now, for this moment, I am setting them aside.”

Setting Intention

It is not impossible to travel without a plan, it might even be fun, but it will probably take a while to get where you are going, to even know where you’re going and while the journey itself may prove to be a wonderful reward not all of us have the time of space or even the desire for all that meandering.  So, if you are looking to change something now, the best way to begin the process is by being specific.  To begin this process think of one thing you want to change.  It could be anything, but it has to be something within your control that you can do.  The change is yours not someone else’s.  So while “I wish my kids would stop fighting” might be something that you want to change, “I wish I were calmer when my kids start fighting” is a change that you can make that is your own.  Change is a process, and just like the dark vortex, it can be a compilation of many things.  Once one thing shifts it tends to carry other things along with it. 

Try this:

Sit in a quiet space and decide on one thing you would want to do differently.  I am going to use the example of harsh speech……

Today I commit to changing how I speak to others.  It is my hope that as I change myself, others will change in response to my changes, and my change will begin a chain of changes that will reduce this problem in my life.  But first, I will do the only thing I can do.  I will commit to changing myself.  Beginning today, I will be aware of my words.  Beginning today I will speak to others as I would want them to speak to me.  I will slow down.  I will think before I respond.  I will consider their heart as I choose my words.  I will apologize if I am too harsh.  I will watch their face for clues and respond if I see sadness or anger or confusion.  My response will be kind.  I will strive to be kind.  Even if I am afraid.  Even if I am hurt.  This is who I want to be.  I want to be a kind person.

When you set your intention, you can check in with yourself and see how you are doing, if you say something and it does not fit your promise to yourself you can stop, slow down and ask yourself, or another person if what you said was hurtful.  You can apologize.  You can let go. 

By setting aside our obstacles and setting an intention we begin a journey of change.  Your intention becomes your map and guide.  Continue to check in.  Write your intention on a slip of paper and keep it by your bed.  Read it in the morning to affirm your intention for the day, and in the evening to take stock of your progress.  Be proud of the changes you have made.  The journey of change is made one day and one step at a time, before you know it, if you stick with your plan your obstacles will be far behind you, still real, but much less important, you will have moved beyond them into your new self. 

I honor your journey!

I was thrilled to be included. I followed a woman, Mary, who shared her criminal and rehabilitative story. Tim Gatto, the gang task force manager for San Mateo County, accompanied Mary to the forum. Tim sponsors Mary and works with her in forums such as this one and especially with young girls to tell her cautionary tale. Mary’s story was tough to hear; she hit the streets as a young teen after years of physical abuse from her mother finding solace and a home in criminal and gang activity. She is bright, articulate, intelligent skills that work as a public speaker and also seemed to have worked especially well as she rose through the ranks of a local street gang. Mary’s story included detailed and quite sophisticated criminal acts both on the streets and inside prison; precise coordinated actions. Her criminal activity was highly organized, well planned and well executed. Four years and four children later, Mary had a change of heart, accepted intervention and for the last year has been working with Tim to educate and interrupt the criminal careers of girls at risk. Mary said to us at one point, I am used to talking to girls, it’s different to tell this to you all.

Different, because we were trying to help but could not completely understand? Different because we were a room of older predominantly white women and she was a young woman of color, young mom, facing an uphill rehabilitative challenge? Different because we live different lives? Mary said at one point, “I would look at people like you when you were looking at me and think ‘What are you looking at’”? And you could feel her rage, and the sting of the question – Do you even see me…until you can see me I can’t see you…so don’t get in my way.

How do we begin to see and hear each other?

One of the biggest lessons I have learned working in community mental health (www.ymcasf.org) and in my graduate studies (www.ciis.edu) is that the key to understanding is not in ‘getting it’ but in acknowledging that you ‘don’t get it’. This key concept has changed forever my communication, my presence in the consultation room, even my relationship with my dog Walter. I believe from a young age that I was told that they key to human relationships was to find our commonality – in concept; build a bridge between our differences and meet in the middle at the place of mutual understanding. It sounds great, but is doesn’t really work. Here’s the first problem; the assumption of mutuality. If we are so busy looking for what we have in common, we may miss how truly different we are. And if we can’t see those differences we may assume more than is real, which in effect minimizes the very true experience of the person we are hoping to connect with.

So there is a shift; we must move from an “I know” position to an “I have no idea” position. If you approach another person from the point of view of “I have no idea”, you will be amazed at what you learn. The concept is simple, make no assumptions except about yourself, and in that case assume you will project parts of your own experience onto the person you are meeting. For instance; if you have a home where everyone sleeps in their own bedroom, you may assume everyone you are speaking with has their own bedroom – actually this may not be true. Instead you can ask “Where do you live?” “Who else lives there with you?” “Who sleeps were?” “What is that like?” You can apply this line of inquiry to anything and everything.

Think about it…what might it be like to not know? To approach the world and your connections with an open mind and an open heart? To not assume a bridge will be built, but to recognize, that like any good architect, you need to understand what you might build, and where you might begin from. What are your tools? Your budget? Your raw materials?

To listen to connect with an open heart, you cannot race to solve a problem. The greatest gift you can give is to stop, to listen, to inquire. Knowing that you do not know is a true strength. From that place of not knowing, and the comfort with the vulnerability of not having a solution or answer, from starting at a starting place of inquiry…that is where true connection begins.