Change is difficult. People resist it.  They would prefer everyone else to change but they want to continue to be themselves.  This doesn’t usually work.  Gandhi teaches “Be the change you want to see in the world.”  I take that to mean, be the first to blink, the first to adjust, the first to try something new.  If you’re reading this, you already know something isn’t working, why not try something else?

Starting something new requires a plan.  Were you to go into a change mode without a master plan you may change lots of things, and maybe even for the better, but you may not change the one thing that got you into trouble to begin with and before you know it you are back where you started.  My early stage change philosophy includes two major themes; Setting Aside and Setting Intention.

Setting Aside

If things were going well, you would not need to change anything.  If things are not going well there is a domino effect that emerges.  First there is the initial issue, then resentment around how it has gone wrong, embarrassment, shame, personal history the list keeps growing.  Sometimes we can get so caught up with the list we forget about the issue.  Here’s one thing I have learned.  Not only can you not fix everything at once, and despite months and weeks of inventory, you may never know everything that is broken.  So the process of thinking about all the issues surrounding your issue can become a full time job.  I had a client once who called this process falling into the “dark vortex”. 

In readying yourself for change I have found that the best thing you can do is set aside… 

Try this: 

Close your eyes and imagine a road and you are walking on that road, but ahead of you on the road is all of your issues.  Tell yourself the following; all my resentments are very real.  All my anger and hurt are real.  My personal history is real.  All of it.  I see it.  I feel it.  But on this journey of change, these very real things are like a boulder that has fallen and is blocking my path.  I am stuck.  I am stuck behind all these very real things.  And since I am stuck, I cannot move forward.  And the thing I want to do most is to move forward.  So today, I am going to do something different.  I am going to set these things, these very real things aside.  I am going to set them aside so I can move forward.  They may not go away, instead I am going to move past them. Just for now so I can get started on my plan.

The idea is not to disqualify or resolve your past feelings, simply to acknowledge them.  And then, to set them aside for this moment so that you can begin to move forward.  If they come back, think again about your need to move forward and say to yourself “I know these things are important to me, but for now, for this moment, I am setting them aside.”

Setting Intention

It is not impossible to travel without a plan, it might even be fun, but it will probably take a while to get where you are going, to even know where you’re going and while the journey itself may prove to be a wonderful reward not all of us have the time of space or even the desire for all that meandering.  So, if you are looking to change something now, the best way to begin the process is by being specific.  To begin this process think of one thing you want to change.  It could be anything, but it has to be something within your control that you can do.  The change is yours not someone else’s.  So while “I wish my kids would stop fighting” might be something that you want to change, “I wish I were calmer when my kids start fighting” is a change that you can make that is your own.  Change is a process, and just like the dark vortex, it can be a compilation of many things.  Once one thing shifts it tends to carry other things along with it. 

Try this:

Sit in a quiet space and decide on one thing you would want to do differently.  I am going to use the example of harsh speech……

Today I commit to changing how I speak to others.  It is my hope that as I change myself, others will change in response to my changes, and my change will begin a chain of changes that will reduce this problem in my life.  But first, I will do the only thing I can do.  I will commit to changing myself.  Beginning today, I will be aware of my words.  Beginning today I will speak to others as I would want them to speak to me.  I will slow down.  I will think before I respond.  I will consider their heart as I choose my words.  I will apologize if I am too harsh.  I will watch their face for clues and respond if I see sadness or anger or confusion.  My response will be kind.  I will strive to be kind.  Even if I am afraid.  Even if I am hurt.  This is who I want to be.  I want to be a kind person.

When you set your intention, you can check in with yourself and see how you are doing, if you say something and it does not fit your promise to yourself you can stop, slow down and ask yourself, or another person if what you said was hurtful.  You can apologize.  You can let go. 

By setting aside our obstacles and setting an intention we begin a journey of change.  Your intention becomes your map and guide.  Continue to check in.  Write your intention on a slip of paper and keep it by your bed.  Read it in the morning to affirm your intention for the day, and in the evening to take stock of your progress.  Be proud of the changes you have made.  The journey of change is made one day and one step at a time, before you know it, if you stick with your plan your obstacles will be far behind you, still real, but much less important, you will have moved beyond them into your new self. 

I honor your journey!